Sometimes Goodbye Is The Only Way For Destiny..

visit http://joughte.blogspot.com . I will cease from using wordpress as i am unable to upload videos onto my posts here. so scurry over to blogspot where my posts will (hopefully) be more frequent.

cheers.

 

Look At This Photograph..

Turn thy speakers down 'afore thou screens this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m96Uvaq6q1E

..everytime I do it makes me laugh..

 

Inquisitive Inquisition of Inquisitors

Why? Why.

 

Apa Khabar?

My apologies for the rather lengthy absence, but my computer was on leave for 10 days the past week, and upon its return I was swamped with work and activities. Speaking of which, even as I write this I'm in the midst of completing some of said work.. so I'll leave you with a piece I wrote many months (possibly years) back, it's a piece I rather like so hopefully it'll suffice to tide things over until I can better update again. Thanks.

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Why do we feel the way we do? What compels us to do things that we would never in our right minds even attempt to do? What makes us feel so elevated, so protected, so free from prejudices and criticisms and hurts and pains which would under any other circumstance mean the end of the world for us? What makes us feel that no matter how badly it goes our dance recitals, our big game, our exams, or anything at all, what is it that makes us feel that it isn’t really all that bad? Maybe it’s that someone special, that significant other.

I mean, think about it, why care that you forgot a dance step, messed up the big play to win the game, failed your exams; what did it matter? As long as she was there to nurse your wounds, to heal your injured pride, to lift your chin and tell you to try, try again. What did it matter how anything else goes in your life? As long as you had her, the world was your Mount Olympus. You were protected from life’s daily pain. You were invincible.

 The worst day of your life – you wake up late, rush to get ready, put hair gel on your toothbrush and toothpaste in your hair, put your contact lenses in the wrong eye and trip over your shoes on your way out the door; but it doesn’t matter that you rushed, because you were late anyway, and to top it off? You’d packed your bag with books for the wrong day, and that important project you were supposed to hand in was still on your desk in your room. The pace of your day doesn’t change, the bell rings and you go for your break. You carry your plate of hot kuey teow to your table, but just before you reach the table someone rushes past you and knocks it all over your clothes. He stops to apologize, but by then you’d just about had enough.

The final bell rings and you’re feeling as miserable as ever, just about everything that could possibly have gone wrong did precisely so. But that didn’t matter now, school was over, and you could now rush out in the hope of catching her on her own, but just as you walk through the gates, you see her transportation leaving. You’re feeling the pits, down in the dumps and even the warm sunshine and blue skies don’t cheer you up. You head home with nothing but misery and sleep on your mind.

Just as you’re about to climb into bed, the phone rings; distracting you. You decide to ignore it, but just as you’re about to turn away from the phone, you notice her name flashing on the caller ID screen. Your heart jumps. Could that really be her? You answer the call. ‘Hello.. are you busy? Am I disturbing?’ You feel your heart melting, and the warmth of it spreads through your body. You can’t believe it, and all of a sudden all the small trivialities from earlier seem so much more insignificant. Just hearing her voice, knowing that she wanted to talk to you; that she thought you were worth talking to, just knowing that was enough to turn your whole day around. You can’t remember when you’ve ever had such a good day.

You spend hours talking, about every big and small, important and trivial point in your lives. What did you talk about? How long were you talking? You don’t know. You’re mesmerized by her voice. You hear what she’s saying. But at the same time you don’t hear a word. Does that make sense? It doesn’t seem to, but that’s how you feel, so it has to. You start dreaming about the possibilities. What’s in store for you tomorrow?

You’ve set your life around her. You know her timetable by heart. When she has her tuition classes, what time she eats and how she spends her free time. You eat when she does, so as not to be occupied on the small chance that she might call. You still think she might, but you start to wonder. After all, it’s been months since the last time she’s called, and even longer since you’ve last had a proper conversation. But no, you don’t want to think that. You block out those thoughts, afraid that if you think them, they might be true. You convince yourself that she’s busy, she’s tired; she’s not available; that soon it will all clear up and it’ll be back to old times. You tell yourself that one day soon things will return to how they were. But while you’re telling yourself that, at the same time, a small idea is chewing away at you. Maybe things are changing. Maybe you don’t mean so much to her anymore? But you tell yourself its absurd. You block out the thought. But deep down, you know. You know.

You haven’t seen her in days. You haven’t spoken in weeks. It feels like your friendship is breaking up. Even the occasional hi’s and bye’s seem to be becoming too much. You’re becoming more and more afraid of being rejected by her, more and more afraid of greeting her and receiving naught but a blank stare in return. And because of that, you stop the greetings. You stop the little chatter. After all, she can’t reject you if you don’t give her the opportunity, can she? Little by little you’re driven apart by your paranoia, and you realize it, you understand it, yet you still stubbornly refuse to admit it. You’ve been hurt by her before, and you’re afraid of being hurt again. You’ve shed tears before, and you don’t want to again.

You find yourself in a place where you don’t understand anything around you. You feel lost, insignificant, minute in comparison to everyone in her life, and you feel useless. You try to come to terms with your situation, to understand it, possibly even accept it. But you can’t. You can’t sleep late at night, so you write a ridiculously long passage trying to put down in words how you feel, what you’re experiencing, going through. But it doesn’t seem enough. No matter how hard you try, you can’t put it in writing. It’s simply impossible. But you tried. You hope someone would get the meaning, get the heart and soul that was poured into those words. But it seems a futile hope. You feel as alone as ever, no matter what face you’re showing the world. But still you hope, dream. It’s all you have left, for even faith has deserted you. And you keep dreaming.

 

Remember When..?

I’m listening to the song ‘Remember When’ by Alan Jackson and it’s inducing this feeling of nostalgia within me, a feeling not particularly helped by the fact that it was sung during my prom. It’s songs like these that always make me look back and wonder at everything that I’ve been through, be it individual experiences or alongside my mates.. There’s always this overflow of emotions that I can’t quite control nor express each time these songs start spinning my clockwork.. flashes of occassions or occurrences that under any normal circumstance would not arise but remain buried in the depth of my mind, and yet these otherwise forgotten memories inspire feelings of happiness, anger, sadness, triumph and even disappointments.. these memories are some of the fondest I keep, although many of them remain sketchy..

Sometimes my mind takes me back to Kindergarten, my two closest friends there, Khaliff and Azman, the many happy hours we’d spend glued to their Sega console.. I can remember us running away from the teachers together during our annual Kindergarten performance. It’s been years though, over a decade actually since I last saw them; the saddest aspect of it is that I wouldn’t recognise them even if I did meet them again.. what about the those three guys I spent every day of my first year in primary with? They all transferred out within a year and I don’t even remember their names.. the games I can recall, the running, the chasing, and yet their names have left me.

Justin? My best friend of two years, another friend with whom I’ve totally lost contact. I sometimes wonder at the possibility of it, his address is still sealed in my head, but of what use if he no longer lives on this continent? Even if we did meet up again, would we have anything in common? Would the opposing cultures we were raised in be a cause for a rift greater than distance? I wonder. Then there’s Jo, the last person I might have called my best friend.. for all the hours we spent on the phone, for all the things I shared with her, for all the memories we share I somehow still managed to let her slip from me merely because, once again, a distance was created. We might still talk, but how can things in the present ever be as they were in the past? It’s an improbability, with the highest possibility being impossibility.

It doesn’t require much intelligence nor analysis to see that I have a problem holding on to my friends once distance comes into play.. whether the distance is large or small, somehow the ties always get broken and the ends stay frayed. Is there then any cause to say that I am dreaming of castles in the sky with my fear of losing friendships that have been building these past years? Is it in excess for me to fear that the logistical gap between my friends and I might cause us to drift? Of course I’ve got the odd few friends I keep from my childhood years, the best of these being my oldest friend in the world Pascale; there’s also Andrew and Mary, but though I still keep contact with them, the friendship has nontheless been gradually distancing itself.

However it may seem from the surface of things, all these friends I’ve made have made a great impact on my life and, corny as it may sound, have to an extent made me who I now am. To name all these people would take another picture’s worth of words and cause me to run the risk of forgetting to mention someone. In that sense I hope that the people I mean know who they are and how much they mean to me, and I ask only that if ever our friendships should wane, that when the time should come again, I be given the chance to rebuild it.

When it comes to shaping my life, there’s another group of people who I can’t neglect to mention.. my family. my Dad, my Mum, my brothers Kevin and Dominique, and my maid Rosario. These people have been there since the very beginning and are the lighthouses in my life, always making sure I don’t stray from a safe route. The most wonderful person in my life, my girlfriend Sarah, who I wouldn’t hesitate to call my best friend too.. in all the time we’ve been together I still find it difficult to believe that such a combination could exist, a best friend and a girlfriend being the same person. In all the dreams I’ve had of how she would be, none compare even in the slightest to how amazing the real person is. She’s the real fire in my hearth, and the warmth in my heart. She’s my living dream in my waking, unbelieving stupor.

Thank you my friends, for my life.

 

Sometimes there are no words left to be said, sometimes all the thoughts and feelings you want to express from within your heart and mind are out of your grasp.. try as you might you can’t form those words, because while these words and expressions may exist in your mind, there is no way they can be verbally expressed in a way that would do them justice.. but sometimes you’re lucky and that one person you’re trying to express these feelings to, that one person you wish would understand, really does understand after all.. and those words you wish you could say? They don’t need to be spoken.. because she knows.

I love you..

 

The Racetrack of Life

Good evening.. you’re fine. But how am I? 

What if our lives day in and day out were nought but a wandering journey in no particular direction. Today we walk ten paces to the right. Tomorrow ten paces to the left. Would that not leave us where we began? What if it’s true that one can’t change one’s station in life? Is it really predestined? What would life be if all we did was to progress in one day and regress the next day with the exact same, identical difference? That would leave life akin to a racetrack – however fast the horse may run, however far the distance it covers, it has no hope and no options but to end up at the exact same point where it began.  This be the case, why the rat race? Why the struggle to gain something that we already possess to begin with? Because it’s imbeded in our nature. Because ours is a life of futiliy. The man with no feet wants feet, give him feet and he wants sandals, give him sandals and he wants boots, give him boots and he will choose to walk around barefooted.. ours is a life in attempt to gain and prosper. Yet the vast majority of us believe that when we pass none of these things may go with us, so why the mighty struggle if when we leave we carry the same baggage we arrive with? Perhaps what we yearn for and strive to achieve is the very thing we have right at the beginning.. take the story of the fisherman and the businessman.. is there not a lesson to be learnt within it’s lines? 

take heed..                                                                                                                                                                   

The Fisherman and the Businessman 

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!” The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled, and replied, “And what will my reward be?” Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you will be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!” “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to do the work for you!” he said. “And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world and let your employees catch fish for you!” Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!” The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing now?“

                                                                                                                                                                 

Perhaps what we’re searching for is the very thing we already have, and instead of seizing it, we convince ourselves that it could not come so easily and proceed to work towards achieving something that is already ours. Perhaps the course of life is akin a racecourse after all..

Look around. The cars. Trees. Clouds. People. Music. Colours. Scents. Wind. Friends. Family. Time. Partners. Memories. Thoughts. Pictures. Buildings. Sunsets. Sunrises. Rain. Moon. Stars. Oceans. Sky. Lakes. Rivers. Tears. Laughter. Carefree-ness. A glass of water. Everything. Overlook the superficial and the apparent. Gaze beyond them and feel what’s truly there. Don’t just see it, don’t merely notice it.. feel it. Take it to heart.

I love you guys.

 

Of TreeFrogs and ThreeBubbles

One day, a boy was sitting on his chair, staring at a lizard who was hurriedly running across the wall.. the boy, having nothing better to do, kept staring at the lizard (he really didn’t have anything better to do). Now this was no normal lizard, this was the lizard they called Vainious Lizardous Maximizard. Now Vainious was no ignorant iguana, no, he was in fact quite a wise treefrog. He was well aware that he was being observed by this little boy, and the pride at being admired caused him to spin and faint in an unexpected spell of dizziness that had been induced by his total and complete modest humility. Upon awakening, Vainious found that he had blossomed from an ugly buttercup into three free floating bubbles! He floated around in glorious bubbly freedom, making bubble sounds of happiness (you know the sound i mean). At this point, the boy leaned over with an 18th century painting in hand and touched the bubbles with it. Vainious Lizardous Maximizard went “pop pop pop!”, and was never heard of again.

I realise that this may have gotten some of you wondering, so for those of you who haven’t yet figured it out, the message within this story and the point of it is, I got my driver’s license!